So. Damn. Tired.

I’m coming to you tonight with a tired soul.

No. That’s not the right word. If I were tired, sleep could remedy that. No. My soul is weary. Weary of the pain. Weary of the questions. Weary of the fear. Weary of the discord that seems ever present within me lately.

No. That is not right. It is not ever present. When I get outside and get my hands in the dirt, for that brief blip in time, the discord calms. The dizziness in my brain settles, and I find myself at peace. Then, my feet start to scream at me. My knees throw a hissy feet. My back yells at me too, and I am reminded that my body is no longer mine to do with as I please. I put my tools away, and I come inside, and the mental discord resumes.

Photo by Tim De Pauw on Unsplash When I typed “tired” into the Unsplash search bar, this is one of the pictures that appeared. Considering I have gained eight pounds in the last six weeks for no apparent reason, I felt that this picture was an all too accurate depiction of how I feel lately.

Why am I in pain?

I am always in pain. My feet. My head. My joints. My heart. They all hurt, incessantly, and no one seems to know why.

What doctor do I call this time?

Does it matter? No one seems to have the answers. Sure, we can tweak this or tweak that, but no one can fix this mess that is my body.

I am told that I shouldn’t be harsh on myself, that my body is doing the best that it can to keep me alive, but then again, it is also trying to kill me, so there’s that.

Is the darkness I feel lately of the dangerous kind?

I have felt dangerous darkness before, the kind that consumed my mind and pulled me further and further down until I could no longer see the light, no matter how hard I tried. This is not that. I see the light. I crave the light. I’m just so tired of hurting. So tired of wondering how I can bring about relief to this body of mine that is so very, very tired of being in pain, and I wonder if anyone has the answer.

I got to meet with my palliative doctor (Dr. Z) today. I wasn’t scheduled to see her until April 1st, but when I had messaged her to ask for an increase in my pain meds, she became concerned and scheduled an urgent appointment.

We are going to approach my pain from several angles.

1. She noticed that I was put on a new heart medication that can cause peripheral neuropathy. She told me to contact my cardiologist and ask them if it could be contributing to my pain. I did that, and they want to take me off the new medication and put me on something different, but the medication they want to put me on has the same side effect profile as a previous medication I couldn’t tolerate, so we’ll see how that goes.

2. My oncologist mentioned in February that my pain could be the result of low estrogen. Dr. Z wants me to check with the oncology hormone doctor to see if that might be the case and if so, if there is anything that we can do about it. Since my cancer is hormone receptor positive, I’m not holding my breath on getting any relief from that front.

3. She is putting me back on Wellbutrin for mood, which worked beautifully for me when I was on it about eight years ago … until it didn’t anymore and I could no longer tolerate being on it. Since I had a good two year run on it before it stopped working for me, we are hoping it might work again. Dr. Z said that she believes my level of depression is normal for everything I am going through, but she doesn’t see any harm in helping boost my mood with medication, and I am really hoping it works.

4. Depending on what the hormone doctor says, I will likely need to see a rheumatologist to see if I have an autoimmune disease. Fibromyalgia runs in my family, so perhaps that is contributing to some of my pain.

5. Last, but definitely not least, she thinks I should consider psilocybin. She had mentioned it before, and I had looked into it, but it was really expensive, not covered by insurance, and honestly, it scared me. Now, I’m desperate. I'm at my wits end with my pain, and I would pay good money to get some relief. I will try to find a reputable place where I can get that done and then work on finding a way to afford it.

That is all for now. I am going to lose my weary self in a baking show before crashing into bed and hoping for a restful night. My husband will be gone tomorrow night, so I will have the privilege of spending the evening with our energetic corgi and then getting up with her before the sun on Thursday. Thankfully, my husband will only be gone one night. I’ll put the dog in daycare so I can get a nap in, and then Jason can take over dog care again the following day. Wish me luck, though. I feel like I’m trying to navigate through quicksand as it is. I am scared that having to take care of the corgi will send me over the edge.

On the bright side, in four days, my daughter will be home from college for Spring Break. It’s not all doom and gloom over here!

---

Dying authentically is offered free of charge. I am not able to accept paid subscriptions at this time, but if you like what you’re reading and would like to support me financially, click here to access my GoFundMe account. Thank you for your support.